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Hackfest 2005: I Wish I Was Wie

Eric Paul Petersen ("E the V") defended his title (rather ineptly, I might add) as Birdie King at Pioneer Creek in Maple Plain and Bunker Hills in Coon Rapids.


Pioneer Creek was a brand new venue for the Hackfest, and hosted Saturday's play. Bunker Hills Golf Course was a repeat venue for the Hackfest on Sunday. Challenging yet playable, firm yet yielding, Bunker is almost ideal for the highly-tuned games of the participants.


Saturday, September 10 starting at 10:00AM sharp at Pioneer Creek. The crew teed off at 11:32AM on Sunday, September 11 at the aforementioned Bunker Hills Golf Course.


Here are the rules used in the 2005 Hackfest.

Birdie King

Gary Lee Mullen-Schultz. Gary would like to extend his sincere and heartfelt thanks to Justin Mertens for carrying Gary on his back for 27 punishing holes.

First loser: Tim Hidani, proud holder of the new Hackfest toilet paper roll trophy.

Last place finisher: Chad Johnson. Welcome to Hell, Chad!

Field Expansion

This year has seen the first expansion of the Hackfest field in many a year. See here for more information.


This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Steve Blake; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; Chad Johnson; Glenn Kallevig; John Kast; Roger Mahre; Justin Mertens; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;


Recent Note from Brett Johnson, Artistic Director
All hail Eric Petersen, our Birdie King!!
  1. Brian Dukart (Duke) is going to have to miss this year's Hackfest due to circumstances beyond his control. The legends committee has determined that Brian's absence will be an exception to the normal "waiting list" rule (if you miss a fest, the next year you go on the waiting list rather than receive an automatic invite). A one-year replacement has been found for Brian. It is Trent Shipley's nephew Justin Mertens. Justin is not eligible to win the title Birdie King, but is eligible to win prize money. Brian will pay the cost of finishing worst than first for Justin. For example if Justin finishes 16th Brian will owe the prize pool $15, if Justin finishes 2nd, Brian will owe $1. If Justin were to win, the title would not be awarded this year because none of the rest of us would deserve it. Brian will be invited back next year.
  2. I've tweaked the rules a little and shuffled the lineups to account for Duke's absence and Justin's presence. Please look at the revised rules on the web page (thanks G-deep blue).
  3. About Justin Mertens (some of this is true): Justin likes to hunt, fish, swim, and play tennis. He is a former lawn bowling and state lacrosse champion who, prior to surgery, was over nine feet tall. He is a better golfer than almost all of you and hates the names Jim, Bob, Phil, and Steve. He showers with his clothes on, graduated from an outstanding university in North Dakota, and has never, ever been to a tropical island when a high school girl has gone missing. He is 26 years old, goes to school near Glenn, likes to hit the crapper once a day--usually early in the morning, and his relatives are begging him not to play in this event or meet any of you. Please treat him with the same loathing and disdain you do the other competitors.
  4. I am not in charge of sleeping accommodations, but assume Tim will have his new RV available and will make room for John's RV as well. Please contact them if you want a space at Tim's Friday or Saturday night.
    More than eight days away and the stink is already deafening.

    Brett R. Johnson
    Artistic Director, Hackfest 2005
    Tom's Attempt To Plug Up Roger's Piehole

    Manly men doing manly things.

    The Director sanctions the bet and offers 2 strokes off the 2006 fest score to the winner of the bet in 2005.

    Brett R. Johnson
    McDermott Will & Emery LLP
    227 West Monroe Street
    Chicago, IL 60606-5096
    Tel: 312.984.6485
    Fax: 312.984.7700

    Thomas Sandberg <>

    08/24/2005 10:53 PM

    Subject: Re: Picking the winner


    You've finally gone too far. Time to put some real skin in the game. Here's the bet, be a man and take it:
    • If Tom finishes Hackfest 2005 ahead of Roger, Roger plays Hackfest 2006 without uttering a word. Silence for the whole Fest.
    • If Roger finishes Hackfest 2005 ahead of Tom, Tom must take at least 5 golf lessons and play at least 5 rounds of golf before Hackfest 2006.
    • In case of a tie, the Director shall rule.

    Hail to the King!



    I have had the time to analyze the pairings and rules.

    First, If I had the opportunity to withdraw my bet on myself, I would. I have to figure that the two forced takes on the worst shot may come into play with Tom as my partner. No offense Tom but you suck pretty bad. I have to figure that this rule will cost me 4 strokes plus the 3 stroke ceiling.

    Put me in for:

    $20.00 on Gary. Once again, the golden platter has been handed to him. No weakness in the first nine holes. No nines on a par three to average into the score in the second. Paired with a two time Birdie King in the third round where there may be no bad shot to force and you have a formula for success. One birdie in Chicago and Gary is in the negative. If Gary doesn't win, he will go down as the biggest choker since Norman in the Masters.

    $10.00 on Trent. Looks like the Director has recognized that Trent has paid his dues and is now eligible for the trophy. His only Achilles heel is having to pair with Dick in the third nine. My guess is the Blake magic will benefit Trent as much as it does Dick year after year. Regardless of the fact that Steve hasn't picked up a club since his ouster, that ugly black sand wedge will still be in his bag. Pretty safe bet when Gary chokes.

    $10.00 on Jim. Yes, this is a first time winner trifecta. Jim enjoys the easiest free ride in the field. Paired with the Birdie King in the all important third nine, and coupled with the fact that, if he blows, it is usually late in the round, Jim should be sitting pretty after 27. No it becomes a fight with his own psyche in the Chicago nine. If Tim can get into his brain an cause the collapse he is toast. However, Tim has grown soft over the years and seems to encourage those in his foursomes rather than find pleasure in their demise. It is somewhat of a long shot as Jim needs to do this on his own, but worth the bet.

    If you want to know the real long shots keep reading.

    Tim: Why the director chose to punish him with those partners is beyond me. Perhaps he did not give the firm a retainer soon enough for the Illinois business. If Tim can put together another miraculous round in the last nine he may dig our of last place.

    Glenn: Actually a pretty solid bet but I ran out of funds and he won the fest in the past. I think it will be a first time winner this year. He will be the key to Gary's victory if it happens. I still may put a last minute fin on him.

    Jeff: The other white meat. Jeff could be the sleeper as there are no real pairings that will kill him. His problem, as always, is the legacy he brings forth to Chicago. Can he hack away at the 12 points or not? A pretty sure bet to be leading the pack going in to the second day. Maybe worth a buck at the last minute.

    Brett: Always the gentleman, saddles himself with the worst parings. The first day will be a disaster. Tom and Duke will see that this ship has sunk. Thank god for the four stroke ceiling in day one but way too much to overcome.

    Tom: Sorry, riding backs for three nines is the game. You still have to be able to play golf all by yourself in the last nine. I am glad that I will be there to see it.

    John: Relegated to being one of the pack animals this year. Johnny will have the honor of saying he carried the winner to victory. The deficit in day one, like Brett will be way to big to overcome, plus he is still in the penalty phase in Chicago. The secret is out, no longer designated as the "Am", he has to earn the next trophy.

    Mike: Reasonable first day pairing but the impact of Dave in day two will be too much to overcome. It is not the potential for bad golf from Dave but the mind games it will play on him. Mike is fragile and he will snap. No first time, four time King.

    Eric: No shot whatsoever. But, I really would love to witness a back-to-back winner in the "post dog house" era of Chicago handicapping.

    Steve, Chad, Dave: Welcome or in welcome back. See you in the winners circle when you have earned the right to be there.

    The Duke: Giggle, Giggle. I love you just the same but I think I made my position clear on this bet. It will be good to see you again. We usually get 18 holes together. Not this year. Perhaps we can pee in Tim's back yard together or something.

    Hail to the King! Eric.

    See you all on #1


    Field Expansion

    Dr. Johnson:

    Several weeks ago You mentioned that the sacred rules for the 2005 Hackfest may be available soon. Has the Cray made any progress in producing Chicago numbers? My local Blue Gene/L system, by the way, has indicated a very low Chicago value for a certain Gary Lee Mullen-Schultz. And this number was calculated before this past weekend's play, when a certain James Bernard Hove almost bested aforementioned Mr. Mullen-Schultz in a particularly hideous round of "golf."

    Also: any decision from the Legends' Committee on expanding the field?

    Yours, G. L. Mullen-Schultz
    Subject: Re: 2005 Hackfest Rules
    Date: Mon, 27 Jun 2005 09:32:53 -0500


    Sorry to be tardy.

    Yes, there has been progress. Unfortunately, I messed my back up (not good) about 3 weeks ago and between doctors appointments, drugs, physical therapy and work, have not spent the time I should on the rules. I will try to have them finalized by this weekend.

    Yes, the field will expand to 16.

    More later,

    Brett R. Johnson
    McDermott Will & Emery LLP
    227 West Monroe Street
    Chicago, IL 60606-5096
    Tel: 312.984.6485
    Fax: 312.984.7700

    06/29/2005 09:41 AM

    Subject: Re: 2005 Hackfest Rules

    A recent discussion with Mr. Sauer indicates that in addition to Messieurs Shipley, Blake and Read, the fourth inductee is likely to be an acquaintance of Mr. Read.

    With all due respect to the Legend's Committee, I would like to register my acute displeasure with this possible turn of events. Why would a friend of Mr. Read's be given preference over a frequent golfing companion (Mr. James Kenealy) of Mr. Hove and me? Mr. Sauer has also had the pleasure of playing a round with Mr. Kenealy, and can testify to his stellar personality, steady disposition, and well-rounded golf game.

    Thank you in advance for your attention to this weighty matter.

    Mr. Gary Lee Mullen-Schultz
    CC:, Tim Hidani
    Subject: Re: 2005 Hackfest Rules
    Date: Thu, 30 Jun 2005 12:27:46 -0500


    All Hail Eric Petersen, the Birdie King!

    I appreciate both your interest in and recommendation of Mr. Kenealy as a Hackfest participant and I appreciate your position. Since he basks in the warm glow of your friendship, I have no doubt Mr. Kenealy is Festworthy (and probably more Festworthy than a number of the current participants).

    Although details of legend (sic) committee discussions are to be kept confidential, I share below some general observations of mine from the discussions centered on expanding the Hackfest field.

    The decision to expand was a difficult one for precisely these reasons (who to invite and/or on what basis do we decide whom to invite).

    The last person chosen ahead of Mr. Kenealy, was, as you perceived, David Read's friend, Chad Johnson. As you know, Steve, Trent and David have had fairly long "wanna be" status relative to the Hackfest. Although Chad has played golf with Tim and I (sic) a few times in the past 4 years, what recommended him was his college buddy/South Dakota soul mate status with David, which seemed in keeping with the origins of the Fest, and the fact that two competitor's (sic) probability of continued attendance would be increased if Chad were chosen (gives David an added reason to travel to Minneapolis for the Fest (gets to see Chad)), and gives Chad an added reason to attend (gets to spend time with David). Also, he is another "happy" personality. Not quite a Kast, but 90% Kast, 10% Roger-the-salesman.

    Given all of the above, Chad probably had an unfair advantage because two of the three legend committee members knew who he was, sorry.

    I would be happy to put him on the waiting list (I think he would be first, but I have not yet reviewed this with Tim and Mike). As you may be aware, the With a few caveats for legend's (sic) committee members (the Carter Rule), military service, and perhaps medical emergencies, the Legends Committee fully intends to enforce the historic attendance rule. If someone drops out for a year, they stay out until someone else drops out. That is, if Mr. Kenealy were to be called up this year, he would be in until he bailed out.

    If all goes well (i.e. I don't end up working this weekend) I will have the rules to you on or by the 4th.

    Brett R. Johnson
    McDermott Will & Emery LLP
    227 West Monroe Street
    Chicago, IL 60606-5096
    Tel: 312.984.6485
    Fax: 312.984.7700

    06/30/2005 01:33 PM

    Subject: FW: Re: 2005 Hackfest Rules


    A travesty of justice has occurred. Dr. Johnson will undoubtedly rot and burn in eternal hellfire. Given his colorful description of the friendship between Mr. David Read and Mr. Chad Johnson, it's obvious that the Artistic Director caved in to the gay lobby.

    I suspect the Justice Scalia would have quite a different opinion about this matter. As it stands, you're on the outside looking in.

    I apologize it's obvious that the Cray needs to be replaced with something having a bit more compute power. I refuse to believe that the Legends' Committee could f*ck up this badly.


    I suspect Scalia and I would have a differing opinion on a lot of things. As to your "gay lobby" theory, Dave's a navy man and I will therefore honor the don't ask, don't tell policy.

    FYI: The Cray may be old, but it's liquid cooled and will never be replaced.

    Also, just finished a documentary on corporations. Nice to learn the IBM's punch card machines were powering AH's "final solution." There were apparently a lot of numbers to crunch in Germany 1943-45, and the boys in blue were happy to take the cash for sales during the war.

    Brett R. Johnson
    McDermott Will & Emery LLP
    227 West Monroe Street
    Chicago, IL 60606-5096
    Tel: 312.984.6485
    Fax: 312.984.7700