Countdown to 2017: Birdie King Tees Off at 12:32PM on September 9th!

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Go here for the latest on the 2017 Hackfest!

See this page for important changes to the Legends Committee!

Dakota, MN - 10-Day Forecast

Dakota, MN - Radar

2016 Odds

Hackfest Trophy - RIP

Go here for videos of the original Hackfest trophy!

Hackfest 2016: OVEN MITT GEOGRAPHY (Top Joint of the Little Finger)

Jeffery Dean Carter quite honestly defended his Birdie King title in the beautiful hills of Western Michigan rather well. But not well enough.

Birdie King

Roger Mahre is our new 2016 Birdie King, his third championship. Congrats, Rog!

Participants

This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley.

2015 Birdie King Tees Off, Period of Sede Vacante Begins

Results

Here are the results from the 2016 Hackfest.

Rules

The rules for the 2016 Hackfest have been revised by our honorable AD! Here are the new rules for the 2016 Hackfest.

Here are the old and obsolete rules which were not used in the 2016 Hackfest.

Lodging

David Read graciously fronted the cash for lodging at Crystal Mountain Michigan called the Laughing Moose Lodge. Thanks for your work in getting these spectacular digs, David. They were perfect, at least when we arrived.

The Lodge was located here, 12090 Crystal Mountain Drive Thompsonville, MI 49683.

Golf Venues

Friday's pre-Fest rumble took place at Betsie Valley Course at Crystal Mountain. This was next door to where we were staying. There were three tee times, starting at 11:48. The address: 12500 Crystal Mountain Dr., Thompsonville, Michigan 49683.

Saturday's rounds took place at Eldorado Golf Course, which is located just south of Cadillac, Michigan. The first group teed off at noon sharp. It rained hard. Really, really hard. In 30 MPH gusts of wind. At least some of the Hackfest fold (our A.D. being one) had the benefit of being able to quaff a very sophisticated liqueur to stay warm.

Directions from the Laughing Moose are here.

Cutters Ridge Course at Manistee National had the honor of hosting the final round of the 2016 Hackfest. The first group teed off at 8:30AM. Directions from the Moose are here.

Champion's Dinner

The 2016 Champion's Dinner for the 2016 Hackfest took place at Geno's in Thompsonville. They have a sophisticated website.

Post-Fest Note from the Artistic Director

All Hail 2016 Birdie King Roger Mahre!

Praise him, honor him. A deserving champion. No one else had the answer for Cutter's Ridge, . . . or did the dishes. If you didn't win, you blew your chance. Now you have to wait a whole year for another shot.

Many thanks are due, mostly to me, but some to others:

The greatest sphincter in Michigan on Sunday belonged to Roger Mahre, Esq. He is your Birdie King, we are wannabees. Congrats to the ink-stained wretch.

Brett: "Hey Roger, How's Business?"
Roger: "Boomin"

To the rest of you, don't cry because it's over, cry because it happens again next year.

Keepin it real in Michigan,

Brett
Your humble Artistic Director, Hackfest 2017

Official Invitation from the Artistic Director

With perfunctory bowing and scraping in the general direction of Birdie King Jeff Carter, I begin,

Yes, the rules are out (see attached), of course the rules are out, the Hackfest is in seven weeks. I am sure Gary will get them posted eventually, but right now he is contemplating his navel on some groovy, wheat grass mountain in California with our philosopher friend, Dan. So, look at the attachment and prepare yourself.

The rules this year are simplicity itself. I did get a late call today from the R&A asking me how to slow down the scoring rampage in the British open (some records shattered this year), so a couple of the rules on the first 9 are last-minute test runs for that. Pretty standard stuff in all (5-time champ Jeff Carter has the highest Chicago number ever computed by the Cray; Tom must deal with a cigarette and shotgun, Eric is a Marshall again--a scant 17 years after a controversial ruling that I believe handed a New Mexican wackjob a Hackfest victory--there are also scripted dialogues for some, mandatory alcohol quotas for others, and most of you will hate the people you are playing with). As I said, all very standard, and a true reflection of golfing mastery.

Learn the rules, get money to David Read, and start reading up about what not to do or say in outstate Michigan (a lot like Wisconsin except with more guns, less tolerance for inbreeding (and anything else), worse roads, higher self-esteem, and slightly higher IQs). It is a land where "Normal control of the passage of stool depends on many factors," so, for most of you, sphincter tightening surgery may be in order.

While we would all like to return to the bygone, halcyon days of the tight rectum, there will only be one rectum tight enough to withstand the cataclysmic colon-cleansing power of this year's Hackfest. Please attend and find out just who controls that fine orifice.

As if that is not enough reason to travel, remember, barring any end of summer humiliations, those three folks who have only missed one year from among the 30 years of Fest (known to the Legends committee as "the imperfect" or more usually "the uncommitted") will be raised from Junior Legend status to full Legend (obvious lack of commitment notwithstanding).

See you all too soon.

With humble regards, and a fear-inducing visage, I continue to yearn for you tragically,

A.T. Tappman, Chaplain, US Army (crack a book once in a while) and your
Artistic Director of Hackfest 2016