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Hackfest 2014: Barely Lethal

Trent Shipley feebly defended his Birdie King title in Waconia. MN.

Birdie King

Brian "Duke" Dukart, a first-time Birdie King. Congrats, Duke - welcome to the club!


This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Duane Anderson; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Tom Sandberg; Mike Sauer; Trent Shipley;


Here are the results from the 2014 Hackfest.


Here are the rules used in the 2014 Hackfest.

Official Invitation from the Artistic Director


All hail Trent Shipley, our 2013 Birdie King!

Alas, the resume included in last year's Hackfest invite was ineffective. I continue to be unemployed, unsought-after, and unsullied by 9-to-5 concerns. I guess maybe it was perfectly effective. Discuss amongst yourselves. Just remember as you discuss, the best way to deceive someone (including yourself) is to believe what you are saying (perhaps you could point this out to your friends on the left and on the right).

For me, unemployment is not just another word for nothing left to lose. It is another word for nothing left to do but participate, once again, in golf's great black mass (Hackfest 2014: Barely Lethal). Past participant Steve Blake, can't understand why any of the rest of you (mostly employed types) bother to join me. The Hackfest, he says, "is an evil process, so great is the pain it thrives on, so deep the selfishness it engenders." As I have tried to explain to Steve, a man is hard wired to want what he wants. Male turkeys, for example will avidly court a replica of a female turkey. In fact, a replica of a female turkey's head suspended fifteen inches from the ground will generally do the trick. The more virile males will show such interest even when a wooden head is used, and a few can summon lust for a wooden head with no eyes or beak. Simply, the minds of males are an evolutionary record of the past behavior of females. (or as Tom Sandberg has told us for years, "cherchez la femme, at the bottom of it."), so blame your mate.

Consider this message the literary equivalent of me holding up a wooden turkey head with no eyes or beak. Interested? I wager you are. The dates of this year's event are September 6th and 7th 2014. The event will be hosted at the Home of Chuck "Chaz" Larson in Waconia (approximately 40 miles west of the Mpls./St. Paul airport). Contact Chaz or Tim (I guess but don't know that Tim will bring his RV) with accommodation requests if you want to sleep indoors. Otherwise, feel free to bring a tent and sleeping bag. Thanks to all those who suggested or volunteered other sites (multiple submissions included meat raffles; possibly a Hackfest first).

The courses will be reserved. There will be golf and a Champion's Dinner on Friday somewhere near the house of Chaz. Contact Gary if you are interested in Friday golf (Eric, John, Tim, and Brett will for sure be playing their usual pre-fest round that day). Gary has/will soon have this year's rules posted on the website, and the courses will be added as soon as confirmed.

Please attend, and when you do remember that you are at your core a libidinous, rapacious and generally selfish being that has to live civilly with other beings. The Hackfest merely distills and purifies this essence of your existence. You are one of 17 organisms running around, each under the hypnotic spell of a single truth, all these truths identical, and all logically incompatible with one another: "My Hackfest championship justifies the frustration and pain of 16 others." Of course, 16 of you will console yourselves with the fact that luck is the thing that made you fail and someone else succeed (ability, of course, works the other way around). The struggle is real.

Brett Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2014

Golf Venues

Saturday's rounds took place at Dahlgreen Golf Course. The first group teed off at 10:34AM sharp. Directions from the Larson residence here.

Deer Run had the honor of hosting the final round of the 2014 Hackfest. The first group teed off at exactly 8:22AM. Directions from the Larson residence here.

Champion's Dinner

The Champion's Dinner for the 2014 Hackfest took place at Cuzzy's Brickhouse. Cuzzy's is located at: 2880 Chaska Blvd, Chaska MN. Directions from Chaz's house are here, and from Chaska Town Course here.

Post-Fest Note from the Artistic Director

All Hail Brian Dukart,

Congrats to Duke on his first Hackfest title.

Many thanks are due. None will be adequate. But, thanks to Chuck for hosting, outstanding job sacrificing the home to the horde. Thank and apologize to the rest of the family on our behalf. Thanks to all the out-of-towners for spending time and money to attend. Thanks to BK 2013 for the Hackfest swag (nice 40 on the final nine by the way). Thanks to all of you who went out of their way to give a ride, meal, beer, or lodging to fellow hackfest members. Thanks to the legends committee for rule and scoring help. Thanks Roger and John for keeping track of the cash. Thanks marshals. Possibly the best Fest weather ever, so thanks Gary, for making that happen via the forecast app on the web page. Thanks also, G., for keeping the page going, including timely reporting of the "Hidani" event. If you have not contributed $10 to Gary to help pay for the pages, please do so (Pay by Paypal, it's easy). Also send Gary any pictures you might have of this year's Fest, and keep checking out the page. My personal thanks to John Kast for partnering in the Kast/Johnson powerhouse that has remained undefeated on Fridays for three straight years. Special tribute to Tom "Rainbow" Sandberg for keeping it together during a time of sorrow for his truck (lesser men would have let it ruin their weekend--yours was only ruined by golf). Special regrets to DTA, sorry you could't make it, hope the health concerns work themselves out on the home front.

There was some informal discussion of holding the Fest in Michigan next year. Please let me know any comments you may have.

Sorry not to get this out sooner, but the Michigan folks, including me, didn't get home until about 3 a.m. Monday. Then, my cable, phone, and TV were out until about 8 last night.

Be well, be healthy.

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2014


The Waconia palace of Chaz Larson. Please contact Chaz for information on lodging, and/or bring a tent or get a hotel.

The Larson ranch is located here, at 1335 Ravenwood Dr, Waconia, MN 55387.


Unfortunately, a significant controversy has arisen on the eve of Hackfest 2014. Tim Hidani, a member of the Legends' Committee, has slighted the reigning Birdie King, Trent Shipley (hail!) with the BK's magnet's unfortunate placement on Tim's refrigerator. Our beloved Artistic Director, Brett Johnson, is weighing possible sanctions. Thanks to Tom Sandberg, 1999 Birdie King, for bringing this serious matter to the attention of the Hackfest fold.

After news of this scandal was broken by this intrepid website, a hasty and clumsy attempt was made to "rectify" the situation.

The following is a "confession" from Tim's youngest son, Ben. He is clearly reading from a script. Since it does not conclude with a beheading, we can only assume that it was coerced. We await the verdict of our Artistic Director.

Gracious Update From Our 2013 Birdie King, Trent Shipley (Hail!)
I will refrain from weighing in on this blatant violation. Tim and I will chat one on one to reach a settlement of some sort, enough lawyers in the group to mediate if necessary. See some of you in a few hours.

your birdie king on borrowed time 2013!

Reply from the Artistic Director to 2013 Birdie King
Dear Birdie King (hail),

We all appreciate the tact and restraint with which you have acted during this difficult period. You do honor to your role as Birdie King and to those of us who aspire, however impossibly, to said role. I have reviewed the evidence and will shortly issue a formal statement on the Hackfest website. I hope my statement will put this ugly episode behind us, and allow us to move forward with the business at hand. Please continue to be the beacon of light you have been throughout this past year.

Your humble Artistic Director, Brett Johnson.

Official Statement from the Artistic Director (9-5-14, 7:24:34AM, Central Time)
Given the exculpatory (vis-a-vis Tim T. Hidani) nature of the convenient (for Tim) Ben Hidani video testimony, and given that no evidence has been presented in opposition to said video, despite the potentially dubious genesis of said testimony, I have no choice but to exonerate Hackfest Legend Tim Hidani of any charges related to the derogatory treatment of the 2013 Birdie King (Trent Shipley) that may have arisen from the unfortunate placement of refrigerator magnets in the Hidani family kitchen. No sanctions shall be imposed. One can only hope that young Mr. Hidani has learned a valuable lesson about respect and personal responsibility, and that his father, Tim Hidani will move forward with a greater appreciation of the gravitas required in his role as paterfamilias of the Hidani clan. I now consider this matter closed.