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Hackfest 2009: Inglorious Bastards

Jeffrey Dean Carter attempted to defend his fourth Birdie King title on the shores of Mille Lacs Lake in central Minnesota. Unfortunately for him, the trophy was wrested, with extreme prejudice, from his girlish hands by Dr. Timothy Hidani. It is rumored that the other fifteen Hackfestians have all scheduled double knee surgeries as Tim recently had done in order to gain that elusive edge for 2010.

Birdie King

Dr. Timothy Hidani


This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;


Official results are here.


Click here for photos (from the Artistic Director) of the 2009 campaign.

Post-Fest Note from the Artistic Director

All Hail Tim Hidani, the 2009 Birdie King,

Go to the web site. Gary has a lot of pictures up, as well as the results, etc.

With special thanks to M. Gandhi, I provide the following observations post-Fest.

Tremendous victory by a tremendous champion. Men often become what they believe themselves to be.

Many thanks to all for showing up, I know it is not easy to make the time and spend the cash. I am heartened to realize that you all understand that whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

Special Hackfest hugs and kisses to Duke (very positive feedback on the venue). Hope we didn't ruin your reputation with the landlord and the neighbors. Eric apologizes again for the toilet. I talked to a couple of you who were going to go back and help clean up, I hope that happened, and I apologize to Duke if it did not. Thanks to those that pitched in. There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

Birdie King, thanks for the transportation, extra sleeping quarters, radio, and good golf. Jeff, Tom, David, and Mike A., thanks for the extra time, effort, and money it takes to come in from out of town. Also, Tom, David and Mike A., thanks for hosting the Champion's Dinner. The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.

Last day Group 4, thanks for keeping up to Group 3 and staying off the clock. If you have the belief that you can do it, you shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if you may not have it at the beginning.

Last day Group 3, what happened? 24 minutes behind group 2. Live as if you will die tomorrow.

Roger thanks for the tout sheet, entertaining even in an off year. Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

Shot of the tournament might be John Kast chipping in to win the two-man scramble on the 27th hole. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

John, thank you for the positive return on my investment. We all look forward to the exacta and win, place, show options next year. Also, good poker victories by Gary, Brett and Trent. Honesty is incompatible with amassing a large fortune.

Tom, thanks for the cigarette rage. As long as you derive inner help and comfort from it, keep it.

Jeff and Greg Carter, thanks for the newly revised Trophy. Greg should visit the Hackfest website where his work is being displayed. It is the quality of our work which will please, and not the quantity.

Mike S., I'm getting lots of comments on the green mesh shirt day two, and not from the ladies. Remember, they cannot take away your self-respect if you do not give it to them.

Hove, Trent, Mike A., Chuck, Kenealy, and Brian, maybe next year. Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory (mmmmmmmmhhh, yeah, OK).

Special K., thanks for not turning any of us in to lamp shades (Gandhi is oddly silent on Wisconsin).

Finally, hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2009

Invitation from the Artistic Director

All Hail Jeff Carter, the once and future Birdie King,

I've heard some complaining from the shallow end of the gene pool that the Hackfest information has not been coming out quickly enough. As you momma's boys are undoubtedly aware, I'm a big-time, high-fallutin, ten-gallon-hat wearin', multi-degreed, sexual dynamo of a big-city attorney who, when he's not sweating diamonds, is pissing the champagne of beers. I'm generally so far above your station that the elevator to the top only gets you to a place where you can rent a telescope to try to see me. What makes you think I have any time to think about, let alone deign communicate with, you?

(Note from Webmaster: unfortunately, he's right).

In a state of moral condescension to your plebian lives I've taken the time to tell my people to organize you people into some semblance of a golf-abled/addled horde. If you're reading this, or more likely having your cell-mate, Chaplin, or alcohol-soaked mother read it to you, it means you have been invited to participate in Hackfest 2009: "Inglorious Bastards." Woo-hoo, a reason to live through mid-September. The dates are the usual weekend after labor day, September 12th and 13th.

Jeff Carter, never a "noted republic," is our defending champion and the "Smartest Man in Territorial Hall, 1979," just ask Lucas. If he can drag his spice-scented, hideous feet to Minnesota for the weekend so can you.

Brian "I'd rather be fishing (or doing anything that would let me avoid 15 saggy-assed grumps)" Dukart, has arranged charming villas for you nestled snugly by the shores of Lake Mille Lacs. It was once upon a time called the Edgewater Resort, but is now the private playground for Hackfest 2009. We have 5 nonsmoking cabins (all with showers), and a sixth for the lucky man who gets to bunk with Brian (pay no attention to the naked man at 2:00 a.m.). We have a place to play cards (a former bar turned Hackfest central), we have a Casino close by, and a golf course 20 minutes away. It is also, literally on the shore of Mille Lacs. I'm asking John and Tim to bring their big rigs too. This is so much more than you deserve. Cost for all golf and two nights of lodging will be about $150 per person (which includes $10 dollars per man to John and $10 per man to Tim to put gas in the pleasure palaces). See directions at the end of the invite below.

All golf is at Izaty's lodge. Saturday tee times are: 8:35am for the first 18 Holes and 1:45pm for the final 9 Holes (eat fast or not at all) $49.00 for 27 holes with cart. Sunday golf is 18 holes beginning at 8:35 for $35.00 with cart. Gary has been indulgently diligent in posting the rules, directions, this invite, etc. on the Hackfest web site. Don't forget to use the Hackfest website as your Google search engine so that it pays for itself.

Many apologies to Chuck who long ago volunteered to host. I strung him along until Duke made me a deal I couldn't refuse. Such is the life of a second-year man at the Fest. Just ask David Read and Mike Allerding. Thanks to John and Trent who also volunteered. Read the rules, know the rules, love the rules. Remember, the Hackfest has been won by someone in Jim Hove's foursome on the final day for the last 5 (6?) years. Will it be Jim this year?

Hopefully, the in-towners can help us out-of-towners with transport, bedding (sleeping bags, pillows) and towels. I will communicate schedules and needs as I know them. If you are "nice" to Duke (see info on 2:00 a.m. naked man above) he will probably take you "fishing." I bet he has times open for it on Friday. As you should know by now, some number of us will be golfing (probably on the north side of the Twin Cities) on Friday as we head north. Anyone interested is invited to that as well. There would be an optional Champions dinner for Jeff on Friday night as well, depending on his schedule.

If I spend any more time on this I'm going to have to charge someone, so I'm telling my people that's enough. Look at the Hackfest web page. If you have some weak-ass excuse for not coming, let me know. I need a good laugh.

As always, hope, dream, and pray that your kids turn out as pretty as me.

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2009


We stayed at the Edgewater Resort, on the southwest corner of Lake Mille Lacs. An excellent venue for the 'Fest. I heard more than one participant mention that it wouldn't be a bad idea to repeat.

Directions To the Edgewater Resort (home of the Inglorious Bastards): Take 94W to Highway 101 in Rogers. Turn north onto 169N. Follow the signs to Eddys Resort. Turn right on Shakopee Lake Road. At the lake, take a Left on Twilight Rd. The only building (gray) on the lake side of the road is Edgewater - approximately 1/4 mile. Your home away from home is about 1.5 hrs from 169 and 694.

Golf Venue

The 45 holes of Hackfestlery were played at Black Brook at Izaty's Resort, which is approximately three miles east of Onamia, MN, right on the south shore of Mille Lacs Lake.

Here is a scanned image of the scorecard, courtesy of the Duke.

Saturday tee times started at 8:35AM. The afternoon nine started at 1:45PM.

Sunday's champion-deciding round started at 8:35AM.

Directions from Minneapolis are here.


Here are the rules used in the 2009 Hackfest.

Roger's Predictions

Hackfest Predictions '09

Hail to the Birdie King, Jeff Carter!

It's Fest time! That long awaited opportunity to spend some quality time with those people, that in some cases, you only get to see once per year. Oh goody! But, there is good news. Tom has reported to me that the grass in his front yard is finally growing again. Seems there was a dead spot, oddly enough exactly in the shape of one former Birdie King. Brenda has lifted the moratorium on Tom inviting friends to the house and Louie has finally covered the urine smell on the bushes with that of his own. All in all, things seem to be getting back to normal on the Wisconsin Riviera.

Alas, it is once again time to set the stage for this year's fest. I count last year as a near complete success as I picked the winner, and nearly every other pick fell within a place or two or dead on my pre-fest prediction. Only Tim, Trent and I let me down, with The Duke being the biggest surprise. This year will not be as easy, as we have two new guys in the field, thus four of our finest in the penalty phase.

There comes a time in every prognosticators life when you look at a field of players and say "how the hell do I know". This may be that year. The problem with the picks is that I have very little data to work with. Granted, there are givens such as complete lack of talent, no mental fortitude, inability to focus on the task at hand, etc. I tried to check out the course on the website provided and all I saw was 6,867 yards, cut through the woods with water hazards throughout. The only holes shown are on the back nine. Bring your balls and lots of extra balls.

Day one, round two will set the tone. Getting to the green will be as big of a challenge as getting it in the hole. I have to believe there will be a few double bogies good for the point(s). Day two, round one will be moving day. While Jim K and Jim H are moving up, Watch Jeff and Brian take a dive. With the field set, and the venue in place, I did my best to sort it all out. I have to trust the numbers, so from worst to first, here are the opening odds for Hackfest 09.

Chuck 99-1 After waiting 23 years to enter the field, Charlie One-Putt finally made it through Q-School and got his card, only to finish 15th last year. Being in the penalty phase is no picnic and that will haunt him again in 09. I think it was Brett who said with a little practice, Chuck could be a very good golfer. Brett also thought that Detroit had finally added the missing pieces to their offense and they would win the Super Bowl. Rumor is that Hank Haney is bringing a film crew to the fest to catch a few "before" swings for the next installment of the Haney Project. This is not the year for Chuck.

Tom 65-1 I am not really sure why Tom landed so low. The best I could come up with is that there seems to be a lot less riding on your partners back this year, or it could have been the fact that this will be his first round of the year. Regardless, the nightmares are destined to return. It pains me to lay such long odds on the host of Hackfest 08, especially after the quality of the weekend he provided. I would tell you all to place a buck here just for fun, but what fun would that be.

Mike S. 60-1 Another surprise at the bottom of the barrel. Especially after last year where he could have made Hackfest History with back-to-back wins in the modern era of the fest. Mike's number of rounds has dropped off this year but he still has a swing that is sweeter than Jim Hove in a Speedo. I just cannot seem him overcoming the Chicago score or the misery of rounds 3 and 4. However, this is your long shot bet. If I am to be really wrong on the early odds, this is the one.

Brian 50-1 The Duke is coming off a remarkable finish in 08. In the battle of the Titans, he came in third, only a stroke from the bridesmaid position. This year, day two is going to be his death. After hitting the lake for the sunset bite, and again in the morning for that 30 minutes at sunrise, the steam will have run out. His day two pairing is the least favorable in the field and he might consider bringing the boat on the course to retrieve his balls from the 9 or so water hazards on the last 9 holes. It is a really good bet we will all be tasting Walleye, complements of Brian, less so that Brian will be tasting victory.

Jeff 50-1 The Birdie King. Back once again to the familiar role of carrying his squad for 36 holes and setting one or more up for victory. Darn impressive 5 stroke victory last year and the Cray has recognized his brilliance by awarding him with a 39 stroke deficit going into Chicago. All Jeff needs is Two Eagles, Five Birdies and Two Pars on the last nine and he is in the hunt. Time to man up Mr. Carter, show us what you are made of. I am calling for a side bet; who comes out of Chicago with the better score, Jeff or Mike S. I have broken tradition again by keeping the Birdie King out of last place for his next year. The mountain is too high to climb but he will fare better than last. Jeff is worth a buck only because he is the Birdie King and has earned that respect. Welcome back to the legions of losers.

Mike A. 40-1 From out of obscurity, "Ding" as he is affectionately known, broke on to the Hackfest scene with an impressive 11 place finish last year. As a late replacement for Glenn, with no real data to compile, the Cray faltered somewhat and allowed the first timer to be a little less of a loser than he should have been. The Cray has made no mistakes this year and laid into him the second year penalty factor along with pairings (not by design) that will do little to launch another fester to victory. Mike S. and Ding are paired in the all important 2 man show in round 3. I think the biggest contribution would be to pummel the field so badly that the 3 point ceiling is set by a non-factor team. The individual match means nothing to Jeff, but Trent may need to find the motivation for him. Ding is a wait and see next year kind of pick. Tough being a rookie in a field of seasoned losers.

Eric 30-1 E might just have a shot at this one. All he needs to do is put together 9 holes of golf at the end. The problem is by the time Sunday afternoon rolls around he has generally packed his bags and is ready to leave. All it takes is a little change of attitude. Eric's pairings are rather favorable and in the tradition of festers past and present, he just needs to hop on the backs of the other guys for 27 holes and come out of day one refreshed. My suggestion is to not even get out of the cart. Sit back, enjoy the show and walk out the first tee on Sunday feeling like you haven't swung a club in days. This is the first real long shot to look at for some serious money. One birdie and a couple of pars and he is eating strokes off his score in Chicago faster than the Jackson family can contest a will. This one is up to Eric.

Jim K. 30-1 Jim was one of the bigger surprises last year coming from a predicted finish of 13 up 5 slots to 7. I have to believe that he has the control to golf a tough course and his pairings seem to favor him in day one. His challenge will be the two man scramble with partner Tom. It will be a dogfight between them and opponents Tim and Chuck. If Jim wins this match it might be what he needs, but to give 5 strokes to the field for the loss would be insurmountable on day 2. I also do not envy the Chicago score, despite his ever improving game.

Tim 25-1 Tim actually let me down last year. I had him picked second and he fell to the 14th spot, beating only the rookie and former Birdie King. His anchor this year is being paired with Chuck in the 2 man scramble. However, his opponent is Jim K and Tom. What a battle, can you say saved by the ceiling? The intangible this year is the fact that Tim has changed his name to T. H. Yang and bought a hybrid 3 wood for those pesky 250 yard approaches from the rough. Rumor has it that the Monday after the PGA he just walked around the office shouting "this is the year of the Asian". I cannot really count him out but I don't really feel it this year.

David 25-1 Ahhhhh, welcome back to penalty free golf, almost. Being the Birdie King of 2 years past, his task is not insurmountable but difficult at best. As is tradition, I predicted a dead last finish for David last year and he did not let me down. This year he is poised to make an impressive showing as his pairings are favorable all the way through the first 36 holes and he has a strong shot at the top 3 after the first Sunday round. The problem is Chicago. It will be very hard to pick away at 22 points and avoid the double bogey at the same time (lots and lots of water on the back). I see David as a middle of the pack guy but there is no data to tell me he can make a realistic run on Sunday afternoon.

Jim H. 20-1 Jim is always my favorite pick. The intangibles are infinite, he has the talent, he married well and he knocked off the Bourbon. The Gary/Hove pairing on Saturday afternoon may be the key. Gary can be a hex or a lucky charm for Jim. He has watched him launch drives 300 yard but seen him hurl drivers farther. Depending on how he play Saturday on the back nine, and considering the number of ponds on the course, Jim may be playing with rental clubs on Sunday. I have a side bet, the over under on lost balls for Jim is 18 for the weekend. Jim is a will have a solid finish but I don't see him breaking away.

Gary 15-1 Gary is the first of the pack that has an honest shot at the cup. My calculations have him coming out of day one in the top 5. However, this could be much lower depending on the two man event (see Hove). I have heard a lot of talk over the years about the new and improved game, and to his credit, he has shown life in the past in front of witnesses other than Jim K. Par golf on the last 9 holes will not do it for Gary. Never a pressure player he will have to fire at some greens and pins on a course that dares you to try. One miss hit on any given hole will take the wind out of your sails. It may very well be worth your money to put your faith in a psyche he has never shown before. This may be the year.

Trent 10-1 Barring the golf Gods being in a very bad mood on Saturday, Trent should come away as the leader (with Jeff) after day one. It is inconceivable that being paired with Jeff in the two man, and Brett, Brian and Special K in the four man events leaves him as the man to beat. Granted his partners will benefit just the same but his advantage comes with the sling shot effect the Birdie King will have on him. I see those two as the top team in the two-man, which means separating themselves from the field by 3 and shaving an additional two strokes off his score. What killed him last year will also be the monkey on his back this year, bad golf. Trent was picked to finish 4th last year and fell to 10th. His game never really showed itself and without more data, I cannot say it will this year. Trent rides the coattails like a pro, but the pack overtakes him in the end. Trent is worth a bet if you believe he can make a 9 hole run on his own.

John 5-1 So, so, so, so close. Johnny was picked to finish 3rd last year and missed standing on the podium by inches. I doesn't often happen that I pick a bridesmaid two years running but I just had to this year. His pairings are good, not great. His game is mediocre, not good. I think his mind may be on the might Mille Lacs not on the course this year. I am sure he would be willing to take side bets on his boat landing the biggest and most fish on Friday or Saturday night. John is one of those who can come from the pack and take the cup. John made a mighty impressive run on day two last year and may have it in him to repeat. With the change in the Chicago scoring this year, all he needs is four pars and the deficit is gone. Throw in a couple of eagles on the par 5's and Johnny is our champion. If you feel it bet it, but don't miss out on this one.

Roger 4-1 The last 4 years have taken a toll on my golf game. Three and one half years of law school, two bar exams, two failed relationships, one hell of a hangover every morning. This year I am 25 pounds lighter, a lawyer in two states, playing golf at least once a week and actually hitting balls on the range. The timing is perfect as I have been blessed with partners that have some notion on how to play the game. My best guess is that I should be near the top of the leader board on day one and roll in to the lead going into Chicago. One birdie and a few pars is all I need to survive. I feel a good year also must face reality. I will put money on me to win.

And the 2009 Birdie King is.....

Brett 2-1 I know, I know, sucking up to the Artistic Director again, but read on. Most of you have either witnessed or at least have heard of the new and improved Brett. His driver is on fire and there is not a pin he is afraid to take a run at inside of 200 yards. How a guy can improve his golf game living in downtown Chicago and working 80 hour weeks is a mystery, but he has done it. Now the real secret to this year's success; the course rewards long and straight drives and punishes the errant shot, the greens should be big and well maintained. Oddly enough, the change in the Chicago format should compliment those attributes quite nicely. For the first time, an eagle has meaning. There is no punishment for a double bogey unless you are a recent champion. Par golf for Brett on the final nine shaves a whopping 19 strokes off his score. The only two man team that can beat him and David is Jeff and Trent. Day one can help, but it probably will not hurt. It has been a 7 year drought for Brett and he is itching to get number 3 and join only two others that have done so. This year, this is easy money.

See you at the Fest, good luck to the winner and the other 15 losers.