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Hackfest 2008: I Am Legend

David Read pathetically defended his Birdie King title close to the land of cheese, beer and Packerdom. Fitting, as that's where he won the coveted title. Brett tried to get teetimes at courses in Wisconsin, but almost became a human lampshade in the process. Thus, we played in the more civilized state of Illinois.

Birdie King

Jeffrey Dean Carter


This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;


Official results are here.


Click here for photos (from John Kast) of the 2008 campaign.

Post-Fest Note from the Artistic Director

All Hail Jeff Carter, the Birdie King!

Very, very good golf by Jeff, wow, ouch, I quit.

Many thanks to all of you for showing up. Special thanks to Tom for hosting, Tim for the RV, Allerding for coming at the last minute, Chuck for being orange (and chipping in), David for passing the torch, Special K for not winning (except at poker), Tim and Eric for eating free, John for computing, Brian for carrying me, Roger for carrying the fish, Trent for daring to dream, Gary for "the growler" and the eagle, Jeff for the eye-hand schooling (ping pong, golf, etc.), Mike's mom for Mike, and Jim for being the Kingmaker.

I gotta say you guys looked pretty whipped on Saturday night. The kids (David, Kenealy, Brian, Allerding) are getting a little bored hanging with the old guys when all they can do after playing golf is go to bed. The Cray is considering shortening the event to 9 holes per day to accommodate the fitness level.

Gary will eventually have the results and some photos posted to the web site. What you do between now and next year is up to you, but despite what Allen Iverson thinks it ain't just practice.

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2008


The 27 holes of Saturday Hackfestlery on September 6th were played at Bittersweet, which is approximately 20 miles SE of Tom and Brenda's. Teetimes were at 9:20, 9:28, 9:37, 9:45 (first 18) and at 2:43, 2:51, 3:00, 3:08 (last 9).

The final, deciding round of Hackfest 2008 (Sunday September 7th) was at Midlane Golf Resort. Midlane is approximately 15 miles SE of Tom and Brenda's, and is close to I94 to enable quick getaways. Teetimes were at 8:52, 9:00, 9:08 and 9:16.

Thomas Sandberg and his lovely bride Brenda opened up their palatial abode to the uncleansed horde. May God forgive them. Here are simple directions from Tom:

Our address is 9838 Lakeshore Dr, Pleasant Praire, WI 53158. Here are Google Map directions from Minneapolis.

The simplest route is:

  1. 94 to Hwy 165 (a few miles north of the Illinois border).
  2. East on 165 about 7 miles to Sheridan Road (Hwy 32).
  3. South on Sheridan for about 1 mile to 116th St.
  4. East for less than a mile on 116th to Lakeshore Dr. (Unless you want air time, go slow across the RR tracks!)
  5. North on Lakeshore Dr about 1.5 miles to 9838. Big green house across the street from the lake.

Official Invitation Letter from the Artistic Director

A year has passed since David Read stunned the Hackfest cognoscenti by ripping ever-lasting glory from the older and weaker hands of 15 mere mortals (Mr. Read make your other two wishes and let the Genie go). In that year, I have grown, taller, lighter, more agile, and better looking. I now piss excellence. What have you done? Look deep into your soul and ask whether your year has made you worthy to once again face the Birdie King? I'm sure it hasn't. I'm sure you still suck. You started the year with nothing and you probably have most of it left.

Blake couldn't take it, he's out. Why don't you join him? Quit, come on quit, you don't have what it takes. David Read is the Birdie King, I am legend, you are an infinitesimal speck. Mr. Read and I would be happy to face off against each other till the end of time (Zeus wins, then Apollo, then Zeus, then Apollo, etc.). Stay home.

Fine. Come if you must. Tom, never one to underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups, thinks some of you will show up and has humbly agreed to allow Brenda to allow him to open their home to you. Come see how the high and mighty live. It will be a nice reminder of how Sperry ran the world and you didn't know it. Before you arrive, make a trip to the wizard and ask for heart, brains, and courage.

The rules are done and Gary has put them up on the website (or soon will). There will be further changes now that Blake is out, the Cray simply has not decided what they are. The courses have nearly been chosen, but you don't need to concern yourself with them. Just get to Tom's House, we'll take it from there.

Since no one complained when I announced the location, I assume that you are planning to make the trip down. Please let me know as soon as you can if you won't be coming.

Read the rules (you won't). Practice (it won't help). Wish you were me; that's all you have left.

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2008: I Am Legend


Here are the rules used in the 2008 Hackfest.