Introduction - Shankerman, The Legend of Ron Jeremy

John Kast defended his title as Birdie King at Bunker Hills Golf Course in Coon Rapids. Unfortunately for him, he played like he is fully capable of playing. Like he should have played in 2003. Like shit.

Venue

Bunker Hills Golf Course was a new venue for the Hackfest. I believe everyone was very impressed with the quality of this year's links: excellent condition, challenging layout, and nice playing options given the course's 27-holes.

Dates/Times

The Birdie King teed off on Saturday, September 11 at 11:37AM.

After 18 holes and a brief break, the last 9 holes began around 4:45PM.

Tim Hidani graciously offered premium digs at his house.

Golf continued anew on Sunday, September 12 at 11:30AM.

Rules

Here are the rules used in the 2004 Hackfest.

Birdie King

Eric Paul Petersen, Two-Time Champion.

Betting Odds (via Kast)

The current odds based on the latest bets.

Vegas Odds (via Rog)

Early predictions after quickly reviewing the rules:

• Gary 5-4 (Best pairings, low Chicago Score, lessons, new clubs, new tiebreaker)
• Eric 5-3 (Also good pairings and will need to help the favorite in round 4, does he still have game?)
• Mike 2-1 (Best shot at first 4 time winner)
• Tim 2-1 (Best opportunity in 10 years, Must get a little help from Jim in round 3)
• Glen 3-1 (if he got on the range in Kosovo)
• Roger 4-1 (Finally bagged his Chicago score to an attainable number)
• Jim 7-1 (If the swing sine-wave is peaking on the last 9)
• Brett 50-1 (Still in the penalty group for the 02 win)
• Jeff Carter 60-1 (What he needs is a titanium back brace. How will he have anything left after carrying Brett (who has no shot as defending champ), Tom and Jim for 18 holes?)
• Tom 60-1 (Despite his public disdain for the game, natural ability helps Eric in round 3)
• Brian 99-1 (36 holes of a free ride, 9 holes of death. Hope he finds his clubs in time)
• John 100-1 (Drop a buck here, 6 or 7 birdies in the last nine and the King repeats)

Hail to the King!

Rog

Miscellaneous

Post-Fest Note From the Tournament Director

All Hail the Birdie King:

First my apologies for beating a hasty exit from the one of the best Fests in years. Although I had much less time than in previous years to tweak the rules, call people names and otherwise over-produce the event, I enjoyed myself immensely. Gary has the scoring information to post on the Web. I scored the event quickly and undoubtedly made some mistakes among the order for the losers (2-12 place), but Eric was a clear winner.

Special thanks to Tim for putting us up, to Julie for putting up with us (hopefully we haven't completely corrupted your children), to Roger for putting the tee times together, to Gary for putting the Web page together, to John for putting the trophy together, and to Eric, the Birdie King, for putting his swing together. Hard to decide which among those was the most beautiful thing to behold.

Double secret special personal thanks to Tom for getting the hell out of Chicago and moving to California, to Jim for the Maker's Mark, to Mike for his hair, to Glenn for coming home alive, to Brian for making us look like idiots if we golf more than once a year, and to Jeff for coming back into the fold.

I heard some nice comments about the venue and the Friday night Champions dinner. Other comments on those or other Hackfest-related activities are welcome.

Jim Hove has been tasked (rumor has it because of his interminable whining about last year and because he has rickets) to organize this year's winter golf event. Contact him as soon as possible if you are interested as he will try to first generate a date to build around, then build around it.

Be happy, be healthy, be legal,

Brett R. Johnson

Note From Timothy Takeo Hidani

Hi all, Just wanted to thank everyone for partaking in a wildly successful 04 Hackfest. Early reports are claiming 04 as one of the best ever. Pre-Mid and Post fest activities were all well attended and from what I could see, fun was had by all. I had a great time seeing everyone as did all the rest of the Hidani's. My boys enjoyed hanging out with the "guys" and pretending to be cool like all of Dad's friends. Last night when I returned from the Fest, Ben was wondering if Gary would be there soon and when the rest of the guys were arriving. He was quite sad when he realized that I was the only one showing up.

Just to get all of you thinking, the Hidani's would enjoy "hosting" the 05 event and look forward to seeing everyone next year and hopefully a few times before then. There was also some talk fo sanctioning the Champions Dinner and other pre-fest activities. ........Comments?

So, in the words of the exiting Birdie King, "Keep Smiling" and......... Hail to the new King.


Tim

Also needed: interest in winter golf trip. Please coordinate with Jim "the Hammer" Hove.

Death of the Round Killer

A note sent to the Hackfest crew by Gary:

All:

I was privileged this weekend to witness an event that I am convinced will serve as the genesis for James Bernard Hove's ascent to the title of Birdie King this autumn.

The venue was the same storied Cannon Falls course at which Roger claimed his second crown. Jim and I had hacked our way around 17 holes; a dismal day for both of us. My poor showing was due to the recent golf lessons I have been taking, which are wreaking havoc with my unconventional, hideous swing. Jim was simply having a typical Hove round: flying turf, lost balls, and gruesome shot after gruesome shot, each proceeded by his patented five-minute visioning and setup routine.

One club that has proved to be perhaps the most consistent in his bag is the Big Bertha three wood. Jim had bestowed the tag "Round Killer," or "RK," to the club, as it invariably resulted in a particularly hilarious shot. The RK had lived up to its name several times already that day, and on hole 18 (a long par 5) Jim pulled it out one last time. The resulting shot was a 45-degree dribbler that ended up skidding into a pond off on the other side of the fairway. A look of rage came across Jim's face, and then a sudden moment of enlightenment. Running towards the pond, he leaned back and helicoptered the club deep into the middle of the water. His son, James Jr., was there to proudly witness his father's desperate, pathetic act of sportsmanship.

In any event, I firmly believe this cathartic moment will prove to be a turning point in Jim's game - not only from a psychological perspective, but also because it will shave a half-dozen strokes off his score. Brett, please handicap him accordingly.

Gary