Hackfest 2012: In the Cold Light of Day

Michael Allerding feebly attempted to defend his Birdie King title in the cold light of a September day. This video of his teeshot kicking off the 2012 campaign shows why.

Birdie King

John Kast is the new Birdie King. Congrats, J.K.!

Participants

This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;

Results

Here are the results from the 2012 Hackfest.

Rules

Here are the rules used in the 2012 Hackfest.

Official Invitation from the Artistic Director

My Dearest Hackfester,

All Hail Mike Allerding, the Birdie King!

Despite you being you, you are once again invited to participate in the Hackfest. The dates of this year's event are September 15 and 16th 2012 (one weekend later than usual). The event will be hosted by the family Sandberg at their palatial estate, one hour north of Chicago. Because Tom will be out of town until late Thursday night, he asks that there be no Thursday night arrivals to his house.

When I think of our Birdie King, I'm always reminded of the story he told me about his high school athletic career in Michigan. As we honor him and celebrate the waning days of his reign, I feel compelled to share it with you. I remember, Mike said, that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," Mike said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a miniature Tiger's batting helmet that you athletic taped to your head. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, Mike admitted, everything that Coach was saying. And yet, Mike remembers thinking something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when Mike felt the handcuffs go on. The same handcuffs, albeit with the addition of a soft red-fur lining, that his lovely bride Leah still uses on Mike today.

When I talk to Mike, sometimes I think the world has gone completely crazy. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" A recent conversation with the Birdie King, revealed that he has spent much of the past year using the time and money generated by his new-found fame to consider and expound upon the big issues affecting the world. He has deigned to sprinkle the following wisdom upon you:

• Although some people say "If you can't beat them, join them," I say "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• Monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
• A lot of people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
• If you think there is good in everybody then you haven't met everybody.
• I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. I think I've become that bigger man.

The courses will soon be reserved. There will be golf and a Champion's Dinner on Friday. Contact Gary if you are interested in Friday golf (Eric, John, Tim, and Brett will for sure be playing their usual pre-fest round that day). Gary has this year's rules posted on the website, and the courses will be added as soon as confirmed.

With luck, you will leave the Hackfest the same way you came into the world; screaming, naked, and covered in someone else's blood. See you soon.

Brett Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2012

Golf Venues

Both rounds of the 2012 Hackfest took place at Midlane Golf Resort. Midlane is approximately 15 miles SE of Tom and Brenda's. Saturday teetimes started at 10:03AM; Sunday began at 8:44AM.

Champion's Dinner

The Champion's Dinner for the 2012 Hackfest took place at The Tropics. The Tropics is located at: 301 N Point Drive, Winthrop Harbor, IL 60096. This is 5.3 miles (15 minutes) from Tom's place, and 5.9 miles (14 minutes) from Thunderhawk Golf Club.

Lodging

Tom and Brenda Sandberg conveniently forgot about the damage inflicted by the unwashed Hackfest masses in 2008, and unwisely agreed to once again host the crew. May God have mercy on their souls, residence, and septic system.

Tom's address:
9838 Lakeshore Dr
Pleasant Prairie, WI 53158