Hackfest 2011: Crazy, Stupid, Golf

James Bernard Hove III did not win, as was expected. But he didn't finish in last place, either, as was also expected. That honor was left for Mr. Timothy Hidani, who must have spent too much time protecting his children from the Hackfest horde.

Birdie King

Mike Allerding is the new Birdie King. Congrats, Mike!

Participants

This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Mike Allerding; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; John Kast; James Kenealy; Chaz Larson; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;

Results

Here are the results from the 2011 Hackfest.

Rules

Here are the rules used in the 2011 Hackfest.

Photos

Click here for photos of the 2011 campaign.

Official Invitation from the Artistic Director

My Dearest Hackfester,

There is a certain powerful something about being a Birdie King, but, be careful what you wish for.

Our 2010 Birdie King, James Bernard Hove III, has had a very busy year. The Sunday evening following his coronation, Jim's long and checkered history of creating and eating sandwiches, fueled by post-Fest euphoria, came to a boil in a crowned head filled to the brim with fantastic schemes. Drenched in sweat and writhing in pain (from carrying a foursome on his back for most of the prior morning) he woke up screaming, as is usual, the name "Bob Gardetto." Once Karen shut the ever-ready fire hose off and stopped backhanding him into a state of semi-consciousness, our Sovereign was smote nearly asunder with a blast of pure inspiration that tightened near to bursting his already overwrought sphincters. Jim's chess-addled brain had brought life to an idea so self-obviously brilliant that he was rendered completely sightless for two weeks. That idea was, wait for it . . . parallelogram sandwiches!

For the next nine months our JBIII spent nearly 22 hours a day in his basement attempting to perfect the idea he believed would revolutionize the sandwich industry. Knowing that sandwiches in this potentially proprietary shape were nearly irresistible, he set about developing taste combinations that could live up to the mind-blowing, sensual promise of the parallelogram. In a mere three months he developed and discarded two potential taste sensations, (1) saffron, coconut Guinness, and (2) chicken tartar squid, as inadequate to the parallelogram promise. The next four months were spent on what he thought would be the signature piece of his franchise-making sandwich lineup, an ingenious pairing of spearmint and oats! Gold he thought, pure spun gold.

Slowly, but foreseeably, the perfection of the parallelogram drove our hero mad. He could not locate, grow, or fabricate any mint leaves or even a single oat he felt was good enough to be delicately bedded between two angelic parallelogram wafers of bread (and he had not even begun to try to understand condiments). Karen sensed trouble when the King began muttering the same five phrases for days at a time: "So many cats, so few recipes;" "Hove, its everywhere you wanna be;" "Come the rapture, can I have your car;" "Visualize whirled peas;" and "There ain't no party like a parallelogram party."

Sleepless and odorific, his mind fixed unwaveringly on the parallelogram, JBIII slowly drifted beyond our simple conception of reality. Our King spent most of his time in something he called the "Hove-verse". There, he listened to albums by the Eagles, used a stop watch developed by Einstein to time alligators as they continually defeated cheetahs in fast sprints over short distances, and refereed bird-seed eating championships (the 10-pounds-in-one-sitting barrier has long been surpassed in the Hove-verse). Finally, one Sunday in late May, to the horror of his wife and two sons who were in the upstairs living room slaughtering goats, a bug-eyed Birdie King raced up the basement stairs. In a barrage of blood-laced spittle, King James was chanting in an ever-louder, ever-faster cadence. It was not until his final utterance, an Eddie Veddar-like scream of bile and pathos, that his family was able to make out the words "Vorsprung Durch Hove." At that point, the Birdie King, who was covered in a nearly impenetrable layer of excrement (and now spattered with goat's blood), collapsed into a gibbering idiot heap of stench.

Heavy indeed is the head that wears the crown.

If this true, cautionary tale has not managed to dissuade you, then you are invited to participate in the 2011 Hackfest, which will occur on September 10th and 11th somewhere west of the Twin Cities. Tim Hidani will host (check with he and John Kast for accommodations), and the courses will soon be reserved. There will be golf and a Champion's Dinner on Friday. Contact Gary if you are interested in Friday golf (Eric, John, Tim, and Brett will for sure be playing their usual pre-fest round that day). Gary has, or will soon have, this year's rules posted on the website, learn them, know them, love them. Blake and Duane are both threatening to appear at Tim's on Saturday night.

All hail and fear not for our current Birdie King. Months have passed. The treatments have been invasive, expensive, and for the most part successful. JBIII will defend his title (but please, oh Lord, please don't mention parallelograms). Few are chosen, fewer still can answer the call.

See you in a few weeks.

Brett Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2011

Golf Venues

Saturday's rounds took place at Fox Hollow. The universe was without a Birdie King, in an unknown state of existential flux, starting with the first teetime at 10:11AM. The final nine holes commenced at 3:25PM. Here are the directions from downtown Minneapolis to Fox Hollow.

Sunday's golf took place at Braemar Golf Course. First teetime was at 8:28AM. Here are the directions from Tim's place to Braemar.

Lodging

The Hidanis once again were excellent and gracious hosts. Thanks to Tim and Julie! Nice treehouse, by the way.

Tim's address:
5370 Vicksburg Ln
Plymouth MN 55446