Hackfest 2006: GlenGary Glen????

G. Lee Mullen-Schultz, reigning Birdie King, pathetically and ineptly defended his title at Albion Hills and the beautiful Milaca Golf Course in Milaca, Minnesota (the course does not yet have a website...)

Birdie King

I'm afraid that Gary was a bit too optimistic about his own chances. Michael Sauer is the 2006 Birdie King! Congrats, Misha, and Hail!. The trophy rightfully stayed in the possession of the Saturday-morning posse.

Participants

This year's participants, in alphabetical order: Steve Blake; Jeff Carter; Brian Dukart; Tim Hidani; James Hove; Brett Johnson; Glenn Kallevig; John Kast; James Kenealy; Roger Mahre; Gary Mullen-Schultz; Eric Petersen; David Read; Mike Sauer; Tom Sandberg; Trent Shipley;

Results

Official results are here.

Post-Fest Note from the Artistic Director

All Hail the new Birdie King, Mike Sauer!

Things to Think about:

1. The man who chose the Sunday venue (tight and unforgiving) was the only man ever to have played the course, was the man who won. (Bullshit unfair advantage).
2. If Brett gets a tattoo he wins. Trent got a tattoo and he lost. If Jim, Glenn, or Brian gets a tattoo they tie for the win. Idiots all?
3. Jeff spent 8 hours travelling one way for this? (add your own comment).
4. Dave was dumped by his best friend and still came from Michigan to hang with the old guys (add your own comment).
5. John, Roger, and Tim all brought large sleeping vehicles and for that we thank them. For the weekend at least most of us were the out of shape old guy living in a van down by the river.
6. I heard a lot of comments about the various formats; people telling me which they liked, which they didn't and how the formats could be improved. First, I don't care; second, they were impossible to improve; third, leave the formats to the experts.
7. Gary and Eric proved again why all that matters is who the CURRENT Birdie King is, past champions are worth no more than their Chicago performance.
8. Shame on all non-Roger and non-Tom participants who were too timid to put their performance on the line in any meaningful way.
9. Before Mike teed off in the final round he promised me he would retire his clubs (not quit playing golf) if he won a 4th Hackfest. I think he is a liar who will be using the same clubs next year.
10. Kenealy stepped up and damn near stole the event with a -10 in Chicago. I guess one Wisconsin boy is worth about a dozen Minnesotans.
11. Guns, liquor, cards, golf, recreational vehicles; it's a wonder no one was killed.

Many thanks to Glenn and sons for hosting, I'm sure their lives will never be the same. Similar thanks to those who provided vehicles, websites, organizational help and tolerance. I know everyone has their own obstacles to overcome to make it to the Fest; congratulations (for lack of a better word) on making it through one more year (I'm not sure why you bother).

For the pitiful few who care, the final scoring sheets are attached. Note, unless your name is Mike, you are a loser.

Brett R. Johnson

Post-Fest Note from the Birdie King

The detoxification process has begun ...and I am now beginning to absorb all of this past weekends events and occurrences.

Let me start out by informing you guys that I was as surprised as could be when my name was announced as this years Hackfest Champion. If any of you fellow 'festers doubt the level of sincerity of that statement, you need go no further than to ask Dave or either of the Jims how I was performing out there on the links (I was King Chop/Hack for a significant, extended period of time). Where that birdie on 18 came from, I couldn't tell you, somewhere from another time zone or somethin'.

So when Brett did indeed announce my name, I was simultaneously stunned and in a personal world of denial: I simply couldn't believe that it could be possible, what with how crappily I'd played. Also, as we were all sitting at the clubhouse counter watching the NFL highlights/Twins game, a sudden exhaustion/gas tank emptiness came upon me (due to the previous 36 hours of the sleep deprived, substance ingested, energy depleted from 36 holes of the sport of golf state I was in) that left me kinda zonked and dazed out. I don't know if y'all noticed, but as several of you came up to congratulate me, I was kind of on auto-pilot and was just going through the motions because I was so out of it. Thanks again for all of the conciliatory well-wishes that everyone extended to me.

But enough of me and mine, let me offer some observances and dole out some platitudes to whom I deem worthy of such recognition.

First of all: I don't know if any of you noticed, but Milaca Golf Club had a kind of funky marquee out by the lower level, overflow parking area that had our Hackfest name proudly displayed which I thought was kind of cool (I hope that somebody got a pic of that, and if they did, zap it to me, willya). The course was indeed played previously by me. But let the record show that Glenn had also played it (well, at least the front nine) before. I don't know about each of you guys individually, but I lost two balls and had some quality ugliness out there that we all could relate to in our golfing lives. So, I don't think that I had any discernable advantage over any of the 15 other combatants in Hackfest '06.

Secondly: I think that the course was in such a condition that it was gonna be tough regardless because you got no roll out of your shots, it was dank, damp, kinda soggy and windy and chilly. Overall, it was difficult out there, to say the least, for all of us. Not optimal golfing conditions at all.

I'd like to shout out some well deserved thanks and kudos to (in no order of preference and/or importance) Gary for being so adept and current as to the upkeep and maintenance of Hackfest.org. It was no later then 8:30 AM CST the following morning that he had updated the website with the current status of all things Hackfest and everything like that. Well done, el Duderino!

A major, major tip of the hat and special recognition goes out from me to Mr. Glenn Kallevig. The gracious hospitality and generous hosting demonstrated by you, Sir, was truly appreciated and is 100% worthy of meritorious mention. If any of you property owning/head of household Hackfesters cannot fully grasp what I'm referring to, imagine making your domicile available for 15 swarthy, motley, loutish, partying, intrepid vagabonds such as us all the while making sure the real people in your lives (your families) are temporarily put on the back burner in order to accommodate us in our weekend of revelry. Not an easy task indeed. Kudos to you, Mr. Kallevig!

Lastly, but not leastly, I want to make a Lifetime Achievement Award kind of thing mentioned in recognition of our beloved and much admired Artistic Director: Mr. Brett R. Johnson!

I'm not sure if anyone realizes this but this was our 20th Hackfest! Weird, huh?

Anyways, every single year Brett has basically organized and planned and set up rules and arbitrated and overall overseen all that has occurred for lo, these last 20 years and I want to totally make it known in my reign as Birdie King 2006 that Mr. Johnson is hereby ruled to be worthy and acceptable in the presence of the Birdie King and I fully appreciate all that You have done for the Hackfest group collective and look forward to personally extending these sentiments first hand next time our paths cross and we meet up in person. Well done, Sir!!!

The trophy, for all who are interested in this, is in temporary stasis up at Glenn's in Foley. The plans that I have for my addition require this situation as I must acquire some much needed technology and devises in order to do what I must do. Glenn, in accordance with what I have planned, I will be requiring your participation as well. You will be the only one of the field clued in on the privileged knowledge of what is to be done with the aforementioned trophy. More on that later.

In closing, I'd like to say, "Go Twins and Vikes". (Sorry 'bout that, Dave R.) And, at the risk of sounding too Gary-like, I'd like to quote a segment of the message from the voice coder box that Glenn so brilliantly added to the trophy several years back: "It's good to be King, baby!"

Hope to see any of y'all before then, but if not, 'til Hackfest 2007.

Miguel del Poncho
Member Legends Committee
Hackfest Champion 1988, 1989, 1995, 2006

Good day. Over and out!

Venues

Albion Hills on Saturday, September 9 and Milaca Golf Course in Milaca, Minnesota on Sunday, September 10. The Champion's Dinner was held here at 6PM on Friday, September 8.

Dates/Times

Saturday, September 9 starting at 2:00PM sharp, and Sunday, September 10 at 9:30AM.

Rules

Here are the rules used in the 2006 Hackfest.

Official Invitation Letter from the Artistic Director

All Hail Gary Mullen-Schultz, the Birdie King!

To the champs, chumps and mostly golfing befuddled lumps that perennially make up the Hackfest field,

Because hope springs eternal (Jim has reworked his golf swing, Blake is asking about his handicap, Gary is shooting in the low 80s, Dave has new irons, Mike is golfing in the old man league, Glen actually believes he won't be called to duty for the third year in a row, Roger is almost a lawyer, and Chad still hangs around with Dave), it's time for a golfing reality check. The 2006 Hackfest looms!

The blessed event occurs on September 9-10, 2006 at the Milaca Golf Club. Festers are invited to spend Friday and Saturday night with Glen Kallevig. We are moving north this year to be headquartered at the Kallevig ranch near Foley, MN, 12 miles from the course. Tee times will be set up (already have been set up by Mike Sauer, I just don't have the information handy) such that one can drive up Saturday morning and leave Sunday afternoon in time to catch early evening flights out of the Twin Towns. Glen has graciously offered the ranch (30 acres ?) for manly entertaining and sleeping purposes on both Friday and Saturday nights (I'll be there both). The assumption is that Tim and John will bring the rolling hotels and Glen will offer up some sleeping places as well (contact whom you will to beg your accommodations).

The field is 16, you know who they are. The Cray has kicked out the rules (which the Birdie King has graciously made available at Hackfest.org), all that's left is for you to do is to go to the web site and memorize the rules, and then show up.

Despite the fact that Hackfest Legend Committee member-in-good-standing Mike Sauer protests any award of strokes outside the rules of golf, anyone who gets a tattoo (at least one inch square) between now and the opening drive of this year's event will have 3 total points deducted from their final score. You must be willing to show the tattoo to the gathered festers and provide proof that the tattooing occurred between the date of this email and the opening drive of the 2006 event. Other than that, the tattoo need not be golf or Hackfest related.

Note that there are often Hackfest-related golfing activities that occur on the Friday before the Fest. I, for example, typically play a warm-up round with Tim, John, and Eric. Gary has also organized a warm-up round that day in recent years and we try to coordinate where schedules allow. Further, a "Champions dinner" tradition, following the warm-up round, was begun by John Kast a few years back, and it has continued to date (Birdie King chooses the restaurant). While these are not Hackfest-sanctioned events requiring your attendance, I will try to keep you updated as to the possibilities.

If, for some pathetically inadequate reason, you will be unable to compete in the blessed event this year please let me know at your earliest convenience.

You all suck (except for Gary of course),

Brett R. Johnson
Artistic Director
Hackfest 2006